I advise couples not to allow a sentence to start with any of the following:
"You never do this…"
"You always say that…"That’s making a statement that excludes even one exception to the rule you’re trying to lay down.
It may feel good to utter such sweeping judgments when you’re angry, but they do nothing for your relationship. Instead, qualify and leave your partner an escape, such as:
"For the most part…"
"Mostly…"
Or, "More than I like…"Then you’re giving credit where it’s due, acknowledging the (admittedly few) times your partner might have said or done whatever you’re accusing them of doing.
Yes, you should ask for what you want – in any relationship. In therapy, this is sometimes called symbiosis, which is thinking that your partner thinks and feels just like you do and should “just know.”
They may have been that intuitive during the romance stage, but that’s because of all the love hormones, and you were both closely observing one another. The purpose was to bond you together, not set the entire tone for your relationship. If you expect it to, you’ll be disappointed.
Dr. Harville Hendrix’s Imago Relationships Therapy (IRT) model creates a safe space for effective communication using Intentional Dialogue. This dialogue tool breaks down the idea that your partner should see the world the way you want him to and vice versa.
Most couples engage in a monologue, not a dialogue. So, I use the Imago Dialogue with all couples. It emphasizes mirroring, validation, and empathy, which offers a healthier and more realistic way to communicate.
Imago Relationships Dialogue Tool
The first part of the Intentional Dialogue communication skill is mirroring. One partner sends information, and the other receives it. The Sender delivers all the information relating to one topic until they’re entirely finished, using short declarative sentences that start with the word “I.”
The Receiver doesn’t interpret, diminish, or magnify what was said but repeats it like a parrot and then asks:
"Did I get it?"
And "Is there more?"
Until the Sender says, "No, that's all."Even the most loving couples can lose that spark now and then. Between the chaos of life, work commitments, and parenting (not to mention the odd disagreement about laundry or what’s for dinner), connection can quietly fade into the background.
But the good news? You can bring it back. Keeping the love alive in a long-term relationship is not about being perfect. It is about staying present, curious, and intentional.
As both a relationship psychologist and a partner in a marriage with my husband, Chris – who also happens to be a psychologist – I want to share three real-world tips that help us stay connected and in love.
This one is simple but powerful. Chris thrives on acts of service. A cup of tea. Remembering to bring in the washing. Meanwhile, I light up from words of affirmation – kind feedback after a big day or a quiet “thank you” when I least expect it.
When life gets busy, we try to remember this. I make his tea (even when I’d rather scroll my phone). He compliments the way I handled a busy day or tells me he’s proud of me. These small gestures speak volumes.
📝 Tip: Learn what lands for your partner and do more of that, especially when they least expect it.
Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how we navigate it. In our early days, we would slip into the classic dance: I would pursue, he would withdraw. These days, we use the Imago Dialogue when we notice that pattern creeping in.
It is not always perfect (we are human, too!), but we try to slow down, mirror what the other is saying, and validate it – even if we see things differently. The goal is not to win. It is to connect.
📝 Tip: Next time you are triggered, pause. Try: “Can we do a dialogue about this when we are both ready?”
One of the best ways Chris and I stay close is by continuing to ask each other meaningful questions. Even after all these years, I still learn new things about him – his fears, his dreams, his memories.
We take time to talk without distractions. Sometimes it’s on a morning walk. Other times it’s with a shared laugh over dinner. Curiosity keeps us alive as individuals and partners.
📝 Tip: Ask your partner: “What’s something about you I might not know – or have forgotten?”
Keeping love alive is not about doing more. It is about doing what matters – with care, attention, and love, even when life is busy.
